Wednesday, April 30, 2008
"The Mom" song, sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds! Hilarious and talented!
I will post the lyrics below.
Check out her website - Anitarenfroe.com. She is a Christian speaker and comedian. Click on "What's new" and you will hear her newest video with her "Dad sense" song - what dads say to their kids in 24 hours! (sorry dads).
"The Mom Song"
Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepyhead
Here's your clothes and your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now! Get up and make your bed
Are you hot? Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget! You gotta feed the cat
Eat your breakfast, the experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at 3 today
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon so you must play
The bus is here
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside, don't play rough, will you just play fair?
Be polite, make a friend, don't forget to share
Work it out, wait your turn, never take a dare
Get along! Don't make me come down there
Clean your room, fold your clothes, put your stuff away
Make your bed, do it now, do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn? Would you like some hay?
Can you even hear a word I say?
Answer the phone! Get off the phone!
Don't sit so close, turn it down, no texting at the table
No more computer time tonight!
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up
Where are you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You'll appreciate my wisdom someday when you're older and you're grown
Can't wait till you have a couple little children of your own
You'll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now I thank you not to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew, would appreciate
Take a bite maybe two of the stuff you hate
Use your fork, do not burp or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, get the door, don't get smart with me
Get a grip, get in here, I'll count to three
Get a job, get a life, get a PHD
Get a dose of,
"I don't care who started it!
You're grounded until you're 36"
Get your story straight and tell the truth for once, for heaven's sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you jump, too?
If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before
That you're too old to act this way
It must be your father's DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straighter when you walk
A place for everything and everything must be in place
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about
Brush your teeth, wash your face, put your PJs on
Get in bed, get a hug, say a prayer with mom
Don't forget, I love you
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends
You don't need the reason why
Because, because, because, because
I said so, I said so, I said so, I said so
I'm the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
JUST A MOM?
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is, " explained the recorder,
"do you have a job or are you just a ..?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.
"I'm a Mom."
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid air and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers, and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"
And great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates?" I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts " Associate Research Assistants."
Friday, April 25, 2008
I just HAD to share it because it describes me to a "T"! Yes . . . I have had Spring Fever for over 20 years! It all started with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and my 8 months with them - in Switzerland, Germany, Holland and Ethiopia! I wanted to keep on travelling . . . forever! I wanted (and STILL do . . . everyday!) to see the WHOLE world. . . . and not on some 1 month quick tour . . . but to really spend some time in each place - getting to experience the culture, the people, learn a little of the language, try the food, etc. Instead - God told me to go home and become a nurse. . . . which led to meeting my wonderful husband . . . which led to 5 kids, a mortgage, bills, kids schooling, etc . . . . . .
One day . . . . maybe . . . .one day. . . . .
Or maybe I should change careers and work in the travel industry! :)
Dear Mrs. have a confession to make--I want to go everywhere.
If I've been hesitant to say it before now, it was only because it seems sinful somehow, in the same vein as gluttony or greed, as if one day a new commandment might be added to cover it:
"Thou shalt not want to go everywhere."
Until then, I want to go everywhere.
Last month, I journeyed to to attend what is billed as the world's largest business-to-business travel show, ITB.
Under one roof--well, more like 30--virtually every country on Earth was represented with great, colorful displays showcasing their very best tourist destinations, accommodations, activities and modes of travel.
I was there to visit travel companies that Vacations To Go already represents and to look for new ones, but I felt more like a kid in a candy store. I want THAT one...and THAT one...
From the familiar to the exotic, from the tame to the adventurous, one tempting vacation opportunity after another presented itself. I realized how lightly I have skimmed the surface of possibilities, and how much work I have to do to scout them all for my readers!
So vast is the convention complex that by the last of the three days I had budgeted for the show, I still had not seen all of the 11,000 exhibitors.
Each day was analogous to travel itself--so many places to see and so little time.
I discussed mountain gorillas with the Rwandans, polar bears with the Canadians, red sand dunes with the Namibians and Arctic icebreakers with the Russians.
Count me in!
A nice lady from mapped out an itinerary that would take me from the lemurs (primates with large, reflective eyes) of the eastern rain forests to the tropical, volcanic island of Nosy Be.
The Maldivians brought their own thatched-roof village to the show to complement the photos of fabulous beaches and over-water bungalows.
Headline-hogging was there, resplendent and ostentatious as always. The centerpiece of their exhibit was a two-story-high rotating globe that held dozens of people. I've heard mixed reviews about this booming, desert oasis in the Persian Gulf, so I'm afraid I'll have to schedule a personal visit to get to the truth.
Nearby, one could preview the new first-class pods of Emirates Airlines, including flat-bed seat, personal mini-bar, vanity desk, 23-inch flat-screen TV, walls and a sliding door, for absolute privacy.
I'm not sure what I'd do with all that privacy, but those pods might make getting there more fun than being there.
The Tanzanians told me their safari business had been boosted by the civil unrest in neighboring (fortunately, things have calmed down recently). Standing in their exhibit reminded me of my family's Tanzanian safari and made me feel as if their tourism ambassadors were somehow old friends.
Jambo! Can I hitch a ride back to East Africa?
At times, it seemed that ITB was a microcosm of the entire world. The conference halls were laid out in geographic order, and stepping from one exhibit to the next was akin to crossing the border to a neighboring country.
I could not help but notice some interesting combinations. The Israelis were next to the Palestinians, the Indians near the Pakistanis, the Serbs beside the Croats.
A few thousand miles away, Venezuelan soldiers were massing on the border with over an incident in , but in Germany, tourism officials and native dancers from all three countries peacefully coexisted in the same lively exhibit hall.
I was reminded of something I've believed for a long time: Travel alone can't solve a conflict, but it does increase understanding, which is a huge step in the right direction.
I have to admit some disappointment with the exhibits of the U.S. and , neither of which was up to the task of illustrating the beauty and diversity of North America's vacation opportunities.
With the dramatic fall of the U.S. dollar, America is cheaper than it has been in decades for most international travelers. Note to U.S. tourism folks--we might as well make the most of it and show the world what we've got!
It was my first visit to , and I enjoyed the friendly people, good restaurants and my stops at the and what remains of the Berlin Wall.
On the flight home, I had time to reflect on all the interesting people I'd met and the fascinating places they represent. I realized that I am particularly fond of jungles and deserts, of tropical islands and snow-covered mountains. I like hot-air balloons and overnight trains, and ships of all sizes. I'm happy as long as I'm headed for a big city, a small village or a tented camp.
Most of all, I prefer beaches, hills, plains, lakes, rivers, savannahs, deltas, tundras and, of course, the open sea.
So where on Earth are you headed next?
That sounds good to me.
To send one sample copy of this newsletter to a friend, click here.
R. Alan Fox
Chairman & CEO
Vacations To Go
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ <>
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? ; __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?&n bsp;
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS.
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ; ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow thirteen years for processing. ;
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not obje ct. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Bridge . Instead of just s tanding there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been . But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near . When my starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine