Thinking of Having Kids?

OK - I just had to pass this on! Thank you Linda for bringing a chuckle and smile today! The sad thing is . . . I really do relate to it all! :) And I know there are many more steps I could add . . . . like trying corralling 5 cats, who do not always like each other, and peacefully get them out of your house (church, store, etc), into your car and buckled up. . . . and then pray that they don't scratch each other (or you) to death while you drive (and are trying to get them in the car). . . . or launch things at the back of your head. One day the mini-van companies will create a wonderful van for parents! It will include one of those windows that you see in limos that goes between the driver and the back passengers! It would effectively drown out the incessant whining, crying, and screaming, as well as protect the parents from foreign objects pummeling their heads or seats. :) I mainly want it for the noise. :) . . . Ahh . . . . . one day . . . . Am I asking too much? Who here wouldn't buy one?! :)

Enjoy!

Lori :)

Thinking of Having Kids?

Do this 15 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle .
3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower .

Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 8
1. Get ready to go out.
2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.
3. Go out the front door.
4. Come in again. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9
Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are no ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

You are valued as a SAHM!

For other SAHM's (Stay at home mom's) like me - here's the latest from Dr. James Dobson and Focus on the Familiy. It's a wonderful, funny and encouraging podcast with Jill Savage helping to "raise motherhood to a higher level in everyone's mind." It will encourage you if you have been struggling with this "job". :) Listen to both parts!

The Value of Full-Time Moms 1
The Value of Full-Time Moms 2

Blessings!

Lori :)

Giveaways!

Gotta love a Giveaway! I know I do! I've been entering sweepstakes and giveaways off and on since I was 9 and won my first prize - a bright yellow - Mello Yello T-shirt (is that how you spell it?). I was hooked! Since then I have only won a couple other T-shirts and hat and $35 worth of nasty lip gloss! :) I did enter my hubby's name in a contest too and HE won (and he didn't even know I had entered him!). He told me "Yes baby . . . you married a man who is 1 in a million here!" :) hee,hee. But that's another story I'll have to tell you later . . .of God's wonderful blessings and the way He loves to surprise us! God is good!

So here are a couple giveaways I thought I would let you know about. PLUS there's just some good advice, wisdom, and insight into being a Christian mom and woman - aka. Princess to our great King - on these sites! Read away!



Visit Mugs of Truth

Dust if you Must!

I love spring! This morning a bird was chirping outside my window (though I do have to say that I didn't enjoy it waking me up so early!), the sun is shining, the daffodils are blooming, and we enjoyed a gorgeous day in the 70's yesterday! Today's a bit colder, but I know the warm weather is coming to stay soon! I can't wait to get out and enjoy it all!

One day, years ago, I was outside digging in the dirt, planting flowers to beautify the landscape of our newly purchased house. As a multi-tasker, I was also watching my little ones run around outside and talking to my best friend on the phone. She asked me what I was doing.

"Planting flowers."
"HOW do you have time to be outside gardening?!?" she asked, sounding surprised.
"Why? What are you doing?" I asked back.
"Cleaning my house! I'm always cleaning my house! I would never have time to do any gardening. You are amazing! How do you have time?"
Ha! I was giggling at that thought of what she would think of my house at that moment . . . ."Oh . . . my house isn't clean at all. It's a wreck!" I replied.
"And yet you are outside gardening?" It sounded as if she couldn't believe someone could do anything else before cleaning up the house. :)
"Yep! I would rather spend my time doing something that will create beauty tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, than to spend my day cleaning up something that I will just have to clean up again tomorrow, and the next day, etc!"

To me - cleaning your house while you still have kids running around in it all day long, is like trying to shovel snow while it is still snowing! It's useless. You will spend ALL day at that task . . . and at the end of the day you will be frustrated because there has been no progress. Why NOT spend the day gardening, or scrapbooking, or making lasting memories with your kids? You can clean when they are gone! :) OK, ok . . . I know we do have to clean some before then . . . but what I'm saying is that it's all about priorities - something I know I have struggled with (and still do) for many, many years. I started scrapbooking 12 years ago . . .and I probably have 12 pages done. :) Why? Because I was waiting till I was done with my chores to be able to play! It's not working.

In MOPS one year we had a speaker talk about friendship. I will never forget what she would say to her friends . . . "If you want to come over to see ME . . . stop by any time! If you are coming over to see my house . . . make an appointment!" :) AMEN sister! My house is never fully clean! There are piles of papers to go through, toys under the tables and couches, dust on most (ok . . . ALL) surfaces, and probably a few cheerios and fruit snacks crushed into the carpet from time to time. And to tell you the truth . . . I don't mind going to my friend's houses that are the same! It's refreshing! I feel so intimidated at people's houses that are spotless and always put together like a showcase house. :) I will never attain that without either spending all my days "shoveling snow" or hiring a live-in housekeeper (oh to be like Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch!)! And since we can't afford number two, and I don't want to do number one . . . . you'll just have to come over to see ME (and not my house)! :) And we can have some FUN together!

My mother in law sent me a wonderful email shortly after that conversation with my friend years ago, and I have had it posted on a slip of paper attached to my computer ever since . . . to remind me of just what is important in life.

I don't know who wrote it, but - Enjoy!

Dust if you Must

Dust if you must but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture!